The dance between Sovereignty and Belonging

There is a tension that lives in the space between sovereignty and belonging. This polarity is the field in which one can cultivate mastery, if they learn how to harness their devotional nature.

Many struggle with one or the other. Some lose themselves in belonging, in union with another. It lacks containment but offers the illusion of it. Their nervous system becomes tethered to their partner’s. Others pendulate in the opposite direction - withdrawn to reinstate a sense of control, power, and individuation that can last for years.

These are the many walking the path of celibacy and singledom. I also see this in those who don’t want to give up romance or s3x and choose the solo poly or relational anarchy path. For those with a history of enmeshment, this lifestyle can enable them to hover... staying buoyant above falling into deep patterns of self-abandonment. Not always, but sometimes it’s a subtle form of avoidance: a way to prevent deep intimacy and devotion, which often gets conflated with enmeshment. This is part of the distortion of codependency.

Ultimately, both paths can carry the same shadow, the fear-based wound of bonding deeply with another and what that will activate within. Yet both can also be intentional medicines, depending on one’s constitution and circumstances. The 'why' and 'how' are more important than the 'what.'

The key lies in holding both polarities of sovereignty and belonging. For some, it’s finding their middle path. For others, it’s the intentional movement between them.

A friend of mine (Jase) held a somatic workshop last month and shared that "love requires freedom." In essence, this means cultivating awareness and ownership of the tension we feel when our sovereignty bumps up against our desire to belong.

When we resist this tension, we repress it and it manifests as reaction:

a reaction to belong (through enmeshment or self-abandonment), or a reaction to withdraw (for self-preservation).

When we own the tension, we can respond to it consciously. Interestingly, the external actions might look the same. The difference is that now, they arise from empowerment:

“I’m choosing this because I want to spend time with you, even though the timing or context isn’t ideal for me.”

“I’m taking space, even though I long to be with you, because I know I can’t be fully present right now.”

The movement is no longer reaction toward enmeshment or away from connection. Instead, it becomes a response in service of connection. And in service to interdependence rather than codependence.

The meeting place between sovereignty and belonging exists in the pause between the stimulus and the reaction.

That pause is presence. And this is where "freedom meets love."